What are reasonable consequences for my children’s behaviors?
Posted on 00:00, August 27th, 2008 by
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They are eight and ten year old boys. I am having a hard time being consistent. The specific behaviors I need reasonable consequences for are hitting, name calling, tattling and talking back. I also have a small baby, and am a bit overwhelmed. Therefore I end up handling each situation differently. It is not working. Please help!!!
Consistency is the key. Consistency and firmness. Don’t back down and don’t give in. Don’t say things you aren’t ready to follow up on. Also, the consequences have to be immediate. When they talk back, DO NOT try to explain or reason with them. Simply refuse to accept or listen to the disrepect. Whatever led up to it is immediately over. They have to know they have crossed the line. This is the most important issue to deal with because the others stem from this feeling that they are equal in authority to you. Also, choose your battles. Don’t try to mediate something you haven’t been witness to. Tell them they need to sort things out themselves or seperate them. For one thing, when they tattle they are trying to get your attention. With the new baby, they are feeling threatened. If you give them this kind of attention, they will keep trying to get it. Instead, when they are behaving nicely, cuddle them. They aren’t too old. They may push you away, but they will be smiling inside when they do. When the hitting and name-calling take place in your presence, deal with it immediately. Some consequences can be to remove a privilege or assign a chore. If they have TVs or games in their rooms, remove them. The next time they ask for a new toy or privilege, remind them of their behavior and say no. They should have to earn privileges and such. Don’t indulge them. Remember too, that this is all normal behavior. You are doing a good job that you are concerned and asking the questions. But you are under a lot of stress with the new baby and two young boys in the house. They may be sensing that as well. If you came from my background, laying on the guilt would work. “Big boys of 8 and 10 should be helping mom out when she has a new baby, not making life more difficult for her.”
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Spanking is reasonable for their behavior.
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Each bad behavior results in another day of no television or video games. For hitting, I would make it an added day to a grounding. They will eventually get the idea that if they ever want to watch TV or play computer games again or play with their friends, they had best behave properly.
Chin up. Don't look so sad. One day, they will have kids of their own and know just how you feel now!
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You have to find the currency for each child. Take aways something each of them likes to do. It is not your job to be their friend it is your job to be the parent. The biggest thing is give them only 1 warning then when they break the rule again immediately punish them. That way it builds a connection between the action and the consequince. Warning them 5 times says that you can get away with it 4 times before you will be in trouble.
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bring that child to Jamaica and let me spank them
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make them stand in the corner for ten min. and they have to keep their hand above their head…if they talk or complain add a min. on for each time they do it.. my friend has 4 kids and that is what she does and her kids are perfect…
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Working with kids most of my life I wouldnt resort to spanking. Its sending the message that only adults can hit, since they ARE hitting its not a great idea to say stop hitting and then turn around and spank them. I love the *super nanny* show because she is right on target! I use her methods with my own two children and it always works. Here's a website you can use.
http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/toptenrules.html
hope this helps!
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Make sure that you try to be more consistent with the punishments and also praise when they are doing good. Check local mental health centers, community centers, churches, etc.. to see if there are any play groups so you can meet moms with the same problems. If you can, I would even set up a family therapy appointment to get an experts view on what would help before they get too out of hand.
Being that old, you can set up a reward chart on the wall. Use marker or stickers. Smiley – they've been good all day and can have a half hour of gameboy, or a dessert, or whatever 'treat' you set for the day. Straight face – they don't get anything, but aren't punished. Sad face – they aren't allowed to earn any more privelages or dessert for the rest of the day – and maybe have had the tv taken away for the night, etc.
That should help at least for a few weeks, if not longer, to gain some sanity. Parenting isn't easy! But once you get more consistent it should work out.
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Decide on your punishment (no TV, no Gameboy etc) then always carry it through no matter what. I'm a gramma now and one think I used for my children and grandchildren was a timer. You will get busy and forget but a timer doesn't forget and it doesn't lie. Also don't make the punishment forever like saying "never" cause you and the boys both know you don't mean it.
Good Luck. It's really hard in this day to know what to do but the most important things are being consistant and to let your children know you love them. Catch them doing something good too.
References :
Consistency is the key. Consistency and firmness. Don't back down and don't give in. Don't say things you aren't ready to follow up on. Also, the consequences have to be immediate. When they talk back, DO NOT try to explain or reason with them. Simply refuse to accept or listen to the disrepect. Whatever led up to it is immediately over. They have to know they have crossed the line. This is the most important issue to deal with because the others stem from this feeling that they are equal in authority to you.
Also, choose your battles. Don't try to mediate something you haven't been witness to. Tell them they need to sort things out themselves or seperate them. For one thing, when they tattle they are trying to get your attention. With the new baby, they are feeling threatened. If you give them this kind of attention, they will keep trying to get it. Instead, when they are behaving nicely, cuddle them. They aren't too old. They may push you away, but they will be smiling inside when they do.
When the hitting and name-calling take place in your presence, deal with it immediately.
Some consequences can be to remove a privilege or assign a chore. If they have TVs or games in their rooms, remove them. The next time they ask for a new toy or privilege, remind them of their behavior and say no. They should have to earn privileges and such. Don't indulge them.
Remember too, that this is all normal behavior. You are doing a good job that you are concerned and asking the questions. But you are under a lot of stress with the new baby and two young boys in the house. They may be sensing that as well. If you came from my background, laying on the guilt would work. "Big boys of 8 and 10 should be helping mom out when she has a new baby, not making life more difficult for her."
References :